Holly Creek neighbors share their top five tips for keeping conversations civil
For many Denverites, family gatherings can be both delightful and challenging—particularly for those with different political or religious perspectives. Residents at the Holly Creek Retirement Community in Centennial have unearthed helpful tips for positive conversations as we enter the holiday season.
A Holly Creek Conversations That Matter group
Several years ago, Holly Creek residents created a discussion-based forum for the community that fosters meaningful conversations between neighbors. These Conversations That Matter (CTM) groups include at least seven residents each who are randomly assigned to meet twice a month for an hour at a time to talk about topics of interest. Facilitators are chosen to provide initial topics and help guide conversation when needed. The CTM groups and additional, resident-led groups that have grown out of this approach have helped many Holly Creek neighbors identify and hone tools for handling areas where they disagree with others.
Five conversation tips for the holidays
1. Set some expectations for conversation and topics before conversation starts.
In CTM groups, “We lay down some ground rules at the beginning,” explained one CTM facilitator, Holly Creek resident Jim Hankins. “There’s no room for ‘I’m right, and you’re wrong.’ We’re here to discuss and learn from each other.”
Jim recommends that as soon as all family members arrive and before the turkey is served to “clearly lay out all conversation ground rules.” This means if you do not want any politics discussed, tell your guests, “Today, we will not have any conversations regarding politics. Please keep those views to yourself.” If political or other challenging conversations arise, any participant can remind the group of the reason behind the gathering to enjoy each other’s company and request that participants who started talking politics to stop.
2. Emphasize similarities and seek common ground.
When disagreements do come up, one thing Holly Creek residents have learned is to look first for common ground. They have found that seeking commonalities builds a foundation of understanding and respect that can help set a more positive tenor for the rest of the conversation.
Holly Creek resident Bruce Johnson specifically started his own group separate from Conversations That Matter to discuss political matters. He formed the “WE” group to include an equal number of liberals and conservatives to discuss political topics in depth. While the group has had its challenges, they were surprised by just how much they have in common.
“When we searched for agreement,” he explained, “we were impressed with how much we had.”
3. Address differing opinions separate from the people who share them. Encourage others to do the same.
Holly Creek residents know firsthand that respecting others while disagreeing with them is possible. Their suggestion? When disagreements arise, focus on the subject matter. Avoid (and encourage others to avoid) directing the conversation against the person with the differing view. This approach keeps the dialogue open and much less emotionally charged.
Bruce shared, “I have had to learn how to position my opinions in a way that isn’t seen as an attack.” Doing so in a group where different opinions are expected and encouraged has certainly helped him work on this skill.
4. Vet your sources when sharing information in conversation.
Nothing is more embarrassing than offering a solid example to the discussion, only to have someone else point out that it’s actually a TikTok or Facebook fabrication. Verifying sources has never been more important in the internet and social media age.
Holly Creek residents read news from verified sources regularly as a way to combat false information. Johnson reads the Denver Post, Colorado Sun, CNN, and PBS news hours. Others subscribe to or regularly watch FOX and the Denver Gazette. Conversations that Matter facilitators and participants specifically research the topics they plan to discuss during their next meeting so they can speak knowledgeably based on legitimate information.
5. Approach every conversation with an open mind.
Hearing different positions has helped Holly Creek residents better understand and appreciate different perspectives and those who hold them.
CTM participant Dolores Meader shared that she’s developed “a respect for everyone in my group, regardless of what they believe politically.”
In some cases, they have even adjusted their own positions because of the thoughtful, open dialogue that CTM encouraged.
“I’ve learned a lot,” said Carol Furuta, the chair of Holly Creek’s Spiritual Life Committee that oversees Conversations that Matter. “I’ve made seven wonderful friends that I never otherwise would have known at this depth.”
It all goes to prove that “winning” a conversation isn’t a success. By nature, conversation is a two-way street and can and should build knowledge and goodwill, especially this time of the year. With a couple of these tools, Holly Creek residents hope that they can inspire positive conservations in their households and those of many others across Denver this season.
